In a Nutshell: Reminders for Good Mental Health by Thom Rutledge

Learning is Relearning

Years ago, an English professor (and successful author) told me something that I refused to believe. He said, "Writing is rewriting." He was telling me that if I was serious about becoming a writer I had better learn the value of editing — editing and reworking my own material and working with an editor.

I didn’t like that idea at all. I preferred to think of myself as the exception to that rule. No surprise there; in those days I thought of myself as the exception to most rules. In the case of writing, I wanted to believe that what I wrote was "inspired" and therefore needed little or no change. When my professor suggested changes to improve what I had written, I was offended. What was his problem? Didn’t he recognize genius when he saw it?

That was close to 30 years ago, and I can honestly say that in my writing career, there has never been a project that was not significantly improved by the process of editing. It will come as no surprise that I now tell young writers with whom I work, "Writing is rewriting." To their credit, I have yet to encounter a "misunderstood genius" among them. In those 30 years, I have also learned that the principle of "writing is rewriting" can be expanded to become an even more important lesson, a lesson about life.

Learning is re-learning. It is important for us to get past feeling offended, hurt or defeated when we encounter a lesson in life that we have already learned a dozen times. The problem is that we forget. That’s not an excuse, and it’s not a reason for us not to try to hold on to what we learn – but we will forget. Many, many times, we will forget. It’s a human thing.

Sure, it’s frustrating when we realize we’ve come this way before, and we need to express that frustration. This is not a "don’t feel this or that" message. Instead, the message is to feel whatever you feel, then get up, brush yourself off, and keep moving. And the message is to remember that surprise is denial’s last hold out, so let go of being surprised when it is time to re-learn a life lesson.

"How many times will I have to repeat this same storyline before I finally learn?" Adam asked me during one of his sessions. He was talking about relationship problems that he seemed to repeatedly run into in work situations.

"I don’t know," I answered honestly. "But I’m not sure that’s the best question to be asking."

"Okay, I’m open. Give me a better question," Adam said.

How about asking something like, "What can I learn from this familiar storyline this time that I have not previously learned?" and "What have I learned before that I now need to be reminded of?"

Adam and I worked with those questions for a little while and to Adam’s pleasant surprise he reported feeling forward progress instead of the all too familiar feeling of being stuck. The difference I believe was predominantly in his attitude toward himself. Once Adam could stop beating himself up for encountering his recurring life themes – beating himself up for being human – more energy was available to problem-solve and learn. We will all do well to remember that self-condemnation is a total waste of energy that could always be better spent in chipping away at life’s repetitious lessons.

When will Adam finally learn? When will any of us finally learn? I for one am in no real hurry to answer that one.

Will Adam have to re-learn the same lessons again? Yep. Sure. Absolutely. He’s no more an exception to the rule than I am.