Questions that are asked withgenuine curiosity, with a
sincere desire to gain information, are valuable tools. Questions asked
rhetorically, often with the intention of insult, can be quite damaging.
Too often we ask questions rhetorically to make a point. There is nothing wrong with that, is there? Well, of course not. That is, of course, not to a certain point.
When rhetorical questions are thinly veiled put downs (i.e. Why did you do that? What makes you think this is any of your business? How do you manage to always mess things up?), communication ceases to be a two-way exchange, becoming instead a way to reinforce someone’s negative opinion of himself. Consider also that rhetorical questions are a common way that we put ourselves down. (i.e. Why am I such an idiot? What makes me think that I deserve anything good in my life?)
Make a point to recognize questions that you and others around you ask rhetorically — questions directed to each other and to ourselves. Notice how often we ask a good question but then leave no space for the answer. This is a pretty good sign that a real question has not been asked. For instance, we often ask a question of someone else because we want to answer the question ourselves. I might say to you, "What do you think of this e-minder?" And then with barely enough pause to take a breath, I continue, "because I really like it, one of my best so far, I think. One thing I really like about it is..." When someone does this a lot, I think of that person as one-way talking machines. Do you know any one-way talking machines?
When you ask a question, leave room for a response. Remember that a question mark is punctuation. So, punctuate. (My wife once told me she was going to give me a box of punctuation marks for Christmas. Apparently I spoke in run on sentences, for long periods of time. She might have even put it the form of a question: "Thom, would you like me to get you a box of punctuation marks for Christmas?")
Ask. Pause. Listen to the response. Listen with curiosity. Listening with genuine curiosity is a powerful expression of respect. Tell Mr. Assumption on your committee to have a seat, that you will not be needing his services today to tell you what everyone else is thinking. "No thanks, Mr. A," you say, "I am going to do this wacky thing called listening. Am I crazy? Perhaps, but what the heck?"
Thom Rutledge is a psychotherapist and author of Embracing Fear. He also just published a paperback entitled Nutshell Essays: 52 Brief Lessons for Big Change. It’s also available as an e-book. For more information visit his website, www.thomrutledge or contact Rutledge’s office at (615) 327-3423 or email thomrutledge@earthlink.net