Total
Ownership
Declaring
By
Raun K. Kaufman, Option Process® Teacher, Trainer, and Mentor/Counselor
In order to explain this, we need
to begin with an admission: We are blamers who play victims. I know you may
resist this statement. Just know: Whatever part of you is resisting — that's
the part that knows it's true. Hey, it’s okay! There's nothing to apologize
for. We all do it. We're doing our best to make our lives work, and this is one
way we go about it.
In The Happiness Option weekend
at The Option Institute, we dissect many beliefs that leave us playing the
victim - of others, of the world, of ourselves. At the same time, we do this
without recrimination or judgment. Otherwise we'd be the blamers, wouldn't we?
During the three-day weekend, we see how participants make statements like,
"I can't help it," "It's not fair," and "He upset
me." Ultimately, when we blame other people and outside events for our own
internal experience, we create a life that feels like it "happens" to
us. We feel powerless, with our happiness or unhappiness being at the mercy of
events over which we have little or no control.
Those of us who live this way
aren't crazy. (Whew! That's a relief, isn't it?) We are employing an age-old
strategy all of us were taught as a way to deal with the world around us. Living
this way gets us two things we think we want: a convenient way to attempt to
move others to do what we want and a way for us to seemingly avoid judging
ourselves. Problem: Living this way also gets us two things we say we don't
want: misery and powerlessness.
The U.S. Declaration of
Independence says that we have inalienable rights: life, liberty, and the
pursuit of happiness. Well, we can certainly still live without taking
ownership, but when we blame and play the victim, we forfeit the second two
rights. We make our happiness conditional on outside events, refusing to own our
freely made choices. Thus, we act as if we’re victims and live as if we
don’t have true liberty. We live in an illusory cage of our own design.
The solution to all of this is
simply to own like crazy. What does that mean? It means take ownership of every
single thing you do. Take responsibility for every emotion you experience.
You’re not angry because your son didn’t listen to you. You’re angry
because you’ve chosen perspectives that fuel anger. Own up to your choice in
everything you tell yourself, whether it’s "I'm fantastic" or
"I'm a piece of junk." You’re not a piece of junk because your boss
demoted you; you’re a piece of junk because you’ve told yourself this
made-up belief.
When your spouse yells at you and
you get angry, own your creation of your anger in response to the yelling. When
you get laid off and you feel as if you're worthless, own your decision to make
your lack of a job mean that you are worthless. When you think about how you
gave up on your desire to be an actor because you "had to get a steady job
to support your family," own your complete choice in the matter. And when
you feel really good, own that this experience, too, is entirely of your own
creation.
Why is this so important to
happiness and personal freedom? Because until you own, and take complete
responsibility for everything you think, feel, and do (past, present, and
future), you can never be truly happy, and you can never feel truly free.
Victimhood is the biggest obstacle to comfort and inner strength.
So why do we cling to our
victimhood like slugs to rocks? (Okay, that metaphor's a bit gross, but, as per
this essay, I take full responsibility for it.) We are desperately afraid that
if we take ownership, it will lead to massive self-recrimination; in other
words, we will judge the daylights out of ourselves. After all, if happiness is
a choice and misery is optional, what kind of idiot am I to have chosen misery
for so long?
The mistake we make is this: We
confuse responsibility with self-condemnation. It is not taking ownership that
hurts. Rather, it is judging ourselves once we've taken ownership. Taking
responsibility means saying, "I did this." We think that means taking
the step of judging ourselves and saying, "I did this, and that was bad or
stupid or unkind." In our classes we focus on taking full ownership without
piling on the self-judgment, the self-recrimination, the regret, the
self-condemnation.
Admit it: This process is pretty
amazing. It's also incredibly powerful. It leads to a life of real happiness and
liberation. It opens up all sorts of avenues for you to be the architect of
exactly the kind of life that you want. So own, baby! Own!
For us, as teachers, to witness
the incredible changes these people make in just a few days is such a privilege.
We are continually astounded by the way people, for the very first time can make
lifelong changes, choosing happiness at will, living a life free of the shackles
of victimhood, a life of liberation and fulfillment.
For more information about the life-changing programs
offered at The Option Institute, or to set up an interview with Raun Kaufman,
contact Glenna Klein at glenna@option.org or 413-229-8063 ext:147